thyshackles

I shall very well begin this post with asking myself this: So what's my purpose for living all these while?

Oh my, I'm not trying to sound like some life guru here or worst, a fresh out-of-rehab girl. My life hasn't been all very so much to my liking. Neither has it been so bad that I can whine a month or two about it. It's just that, my life has been pretty much vacant at heart all these while. It's just so disheartening to be stuck at it and not know where can I lead myself outta this mess. I think I could have thrown the keys to my-purposeful god-gifted life into the ocean deep... ocean. And just when did I throw 'em away, I've got totally no idea really. Perhaps when I was sleep walking or too busy rushing from places to places. I've been so busy. So busy, that life sucked me in involuntarily. Cause I sucked myself in life.

I've been taking a little but many short breaks from my once very eventful perplexed life. Now that, I take tiny little brave steps back, back from the big commotion and hubhub occasions. That, I've come to realise how immersely am I gradually drowning in the nothingless of things I'm rushing to complete. And now, I'd really love to ask myself, why am I so busy? Busy for any purpose? I tend to confuse activities for productivy. Hence, I often find myself busy without a purpose. Now, I'm glad to answer my doubt-clouded mind on why I often feel empty, even after completing something significant to many. The reason was that, it wasn't significant to me BUT to many it was. It's still not what I'm seeking. Not at all.

I must honestly say that I'm not getting used the 'overwhelming' freedom away from my once ever-so eventful life. Sometimes, I find myself stucked with my sudden stubbed schedule. I feel insecure over having nothing to do. Then, I try to make myself busy, and then soon after, I have led myself into that vicious cycle that will bring nothing but confusion and once again emptiness.

Am I that afraid of emptiness? That, I'm sure everyone is. So, I need to stop dabbling on the re-occuring emptiness that's eating my away day by day. Seriously, I should consider pruning away activities, even good, significant ones. As long as it's not purposeful, why bother? No, not what you think I am a realist right here. Purposeful to you may come in many definitions, shapes and sizes. But to me, it's what that doesn't hurt me or leave me hanging on intangible nothings. What I feel, gives me incompleteness, what I feel, that is not worth my very while.

Often, I'm stucked in sticky mud holes planted many other insecure people. Allowed their insecurities to rub onto me, and there, I'm going nowhere like they do. And I find it hard to understand why people do things the way they do, which I really ain't quite fond of. Well, then I will ask myself, that perhaps, they're life may be as topsy-turvy for all I know. And they're just trying to crawl out of their tornado-filled world. There, I'll feel less empty once again, because I tend to forgive them as much as I've told myself I won't ever have done so. But forgiveness fills emptiness and fills an broken heart.

I'd like to ask you, and you and you, why are you so like that? So not what I want you to be, so selfish and so double-sided and hypocritical. But, I guess that bothers me too much to comprehend. If you could spend so much time bothering me too much with your unnecessities, I guess you won't want to be part of my life and I won't want you part of my life either. That to me, is of no purpose, because you spend too much time demeaning the lives of others to live your own.

Bestie once told me, "if someone wants to be in your life, they will work to be part of it. So don't bother saving a spot for someone who won't make an effort to stay." It is, very well said. I should start to open up lots for important people in my life and important events to come by. All for a purposeful life. A purposeful life it may be. No, it will be!